Job-hunting tips, just in case you need them

Posted on 15. Sep, 2006 by Bill in Employment News

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For some reason, job-hunting is on our mind this morning. Here are some tips from The Morning File’s outplacement, outsourcing and downsizing division.

Don’t make misteaks

Your resume is key, but there’s always the danger that prospective employers will actually read your cover letter, as happened to these language-challenged applicants:

“As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”

“I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”

“Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

“Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

“I’m a rabid typist.”

“Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation.”

“I am very detail-oreinted.”

“I worked as a Corporate Lesion.”

“Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”

“I am sicking and entry-level position.”

“Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

(From Rinkworks.com)

The downside of overconfidence

Some examples of admirably strong but unsuccessful come-ons:

“You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!”

“Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house.”

“I don’t usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go ahead and do so.”

“Here are the top 10 reasons to hire me.”

“I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation.”

“I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.”

“My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result in a job’ — and I like your company in particular.”

“Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.”

The downside of underconfidence

Put your best foot forward but not in your mouth, as these folks did:

“Please disregard the attached resume — it is terribly out of date.”

“Special Skills: Speak English.”

“Previous experience: Self-employed — a fiasco.”

“Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”

“If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, please return it in the enclosed envelope.”

“It’s best that I not work with people.”

“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes slowed down. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”

“My salary requirement is $34 per year.”

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

“I’ll starve without a job but don’t feel you have to give me one.”

Uhmm, raspberry vinaigrette?

More and more job interviews include the question designed to reveal character. Our favorite: “If you were a salad, what kind of dressing would you have?”

Show up with a joke

It’s become common for applicants for PR and sales jobs to be asked to tell a joke, says the Guardian of England, which thoughtfully supplied a few. The first one resulted in a job offer. The second one did not. Please hold your laughter until the end of the column.

An American was going for a job interview in the English countryside and on the way there he asked a farmer for directions. “Excuse me dude, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?” The farmer said: “You driving or walking, lad?” The American replied: “Driving.” The farmer nodded, saying: “Yup, definitely the quickest way.”

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to notice it needs changing, one to prepare a budget, one to sign off on it, one to order it from supplies and one to tell the secretary it needs replacing.

Handling the job interview

(Courtesy of thehumorarchives.com.)

Upon walking in to the office for the first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course, I was totally hammered at the time.’

Overemphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it’s OK that you sit on the floor.

Even if parking is free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.

Be forthright. Mention that your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.

Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, declare: “NOW we can begin.”|