Keep up to date on articles and news and subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
Can Stay-at-Home Moms Return to Work?
There’s been a lot of mommy blog chatter lately about two high-profile books that belittle the 5.6 million stay-at-home moms in America for not working. Linda Hirshman’s Get to Work compared women who stay home with children to reckless drivers who ride motorcycles without protective helmets. Leslie Bennetts’ The Feminine Mistake offered a gentler critique, filled with stories of stay-at-home moms who inadvertently found themselves on the wrong end of divorce, financial bad luck or unfulfilling domestic lives.
After talking to hundreds of women following publication of my anthology Mommy Wars, I started to wonder about the conventional wisdom that moms, especially college educated professional women, have trouble returning to work after staying home to care for children. How could a few years off nullify decades of educational and professional accomplishments for so many bright, hard-working, driven women?
I talked with dozens of college-degreed mothers ages 30 to 55 who left professional work for 3 to 10 years to care for their children. I went to conferences for “on rampers” hosted by top business schools, and spoke to large groups of professional moms in New Hampshire, Minnesota, Illinois, California, Florida, Wisconsin, New York and Washington, DC. Hiring managers, headhunters, and placement specialists across the country offered their insights as well.
I was not able to find a single college-educated stay-at-home mother who couldn’t find fulltime work within twelve months. A survey by the Center for Work Life Policy in New York shows that 74% of stay-at-home moms who want to go back are able to. Most who don’t get jobs are looking for part-time of flexible jobs, which are notoriously difficult to find.
Certainly, obstacles exist. It takes time and determination to craft a marketable resume without glossing over significant gaps, to find the right childcare, to refresh critical skills, and to come to peace with reinventing oneself — yet again. Some on-rampers face an initial salary penalty. Staying in the same field and geographic area makes returning easier; as does coming back within 10 years. Critically, the majority of success stories involve a return to fulltime work. Although some companies, such as Minneapolis-based Best Buy Corporation, allow employees to work flexible schedules, there are still far more fulltime jobs.
Wharton, Harvard and Dartmouth and other business schools have started programs for high-powered stay-at-home moms. New companies like Moms Corps, Career Partners, Business Talent Group, McKinley Marketing and Flexperience Staffing are springing up to connect professionals with rewarding part-time positions and temporary projects, many of which provide excellent bridges back to fulltime work. Fortune 500 employers such as Lehman Brothers, Citigroup, UBS, Johnson & Johnson and Discovery Communications are targeting talented stay-at-home moms whose skills and educational credentials outweigh any perceived negative of time off. “Well-educated stay-at-home moms have experience, judgment and maturity that our companies need,” explains Anne Erni, managing director and chief diversity officer at 29,000-employee Lehman Brothers.
Good news abounds for today’s at-home mothers. So why the pervasive myths about moms’ inability to restart their careers?
One answer is that five or ten years ago, it was tougher for well-educated women to take time off without significant penalty. A second explanation may be Americans’ collective devaluation of stay-at-home moms who perform years of unpaid labor. We tend to applaud paid labor in this country.
However, part of the answer — and not a pretty part — may lie in the fact that working moms (and dads) hold the pens and the microphones, and therefore we control the messages. Stay-at-home moms are, by definition, not writing books, producing tv shows, or writing many newspaper articles; they’re home serving chicken fingers instead of anchoring the nightly news. With the exception of the pervasive, vocal, increasingly powerful mommy blogs, stay-at-home moms’ public voices are inadvertently, and unfairly, silenced by their decisions to stay home.
“Full-time homemakers [have] a highly combative sense of indignation about views that challenge their own,” wrote Leslie Bennetts, the author of The Feminine Mistake, in a recent HuffingtonPost.com article. I wonder whether the same is true of working mothers: maybe we want stay-at-home moms to suffer a penalty for taking time off. Moms at home are the devil on every working mother’s shoulders: the women who chose their children over their jobs. Their decisions make us feel guilty about our own. Psychologically, maybe working moms seek to justify the superiority of our own, often guilt-ridden, anxiety-driven choices to continue our careers uninterrupted by disparaging stay-at-home moms for their foolish “feminine mistakes.”
There are approximately 81 million moms in America today. Each of us juggles modern motherhood amidst social paradox and flux. Fifty years ago women struggled to force many law schools, business schools, and medical schools to admit women. The number of women with college degrees has doubled in 20 years, and women now make up 51% of the white-collar workforce. In the last 50 years, the percent of American women staying home dropped from 76% to 28%. In the middle of this societal chaos, none of us has the today’s work/kids paradigm figured out.
Beneath the surface of the “mommy war” between working and at-home mothers lies each woman’s inner mommy war, an endless mental debate over whether we’ve made the right choices about how we juggle work and family. Now that women’s advances at work and at home have increased our options, the challenge for each woman with a bona fide choice is to feel good about her decision - without condemning, or silencing, other women who make different ones.
At-home mothers across the country are proving that choosing stay-at-home motherhood does not spell the end of your career, especially if you got skills, a good education, are determined to return, and are willing to work fulltime. Not a fairytale ending - we won’t have that until there’s a cornucopia of flexible, well-paid, part-time work for men and women in all segments of the labor force - but far better news than moms have gotten in a long time.
Interesting point for all of us to remember:”working moms (and dads) hold the pens and the microphones, and therefore we control the messages.” Why would we want to perpetuate the myth that there is a right answer for any parent choosing to work or stay at home with children? We can control the message, and the message should be that each person or family should make the decision that best meets the needs and priorities of their situation. As a professional woman who works full-time, I celebrate the fact that we are getting closer to the point where people (regardless of sex) can make that choice. 50 years ago the only right choice was to stay home; in the 80’s the only right choice was to get right back to work. I hope in the 00’s, that I can choose, and I can keep choosing every day to do things that help pave the way in case I need to make a different choice later. For example, if I were a stay at home mom, I would choose to keep current in local professional groups, keep up on industry trends, and try to keep those networks going. It is hard work. Since I am at work, I do those same things, but I also save money for a rainy day in case I later stay home, keep connected with school and other community groups so that I have adult connections if I leave the work force, and I keep my eyes and ears open to learn of part-time opportunities and work from home opportunities that are a good fit for my skills or those of people I know.
We can choose, and we need to make the choice continually. In addition, we all need to stop judging others’ choices to make ourselves feel better. We would be way ahead if we would support each other!
I found your article very interesting. I have been blessed to be a stay-at-home mother now for four years. I have joined MOPS, Kindermusic, and have several friends who also stay at home. However, I want to go back to work. I miss having adult conversation. I miss mental stimulation. I love my children so very much. So, I need to prepare for their future more by earning a living again. But, I am very anxious about returning after such a big gap in employment. Thanks for the reassurance!
I was happy to see your article and more like it here and there. As someone else mentioned, I think we have entered a new age where mother’s can choose to stay home or not. Many of the mother’s that I know who work, wish they could stay home with their kids and just can’t do it financially. So, maybe that provides a chip on their shoulder. This seems to be especially the case for single moms (a phenomenon that has increased in recent years).
I personally think that they high childcare costs are driving the influx of stay-at-home moms in my state. I was shocked to see that it would cost me over $100 more than I was taking home just to pay for childcare. Mind you, I did not complain. I wanted to stay home with my kids and I think it was a wise decision on my part. However, now my student loans are beckoning and I am facing the point when I will have to return to work. I don’t mind now that my kids are about to all be school aged, and I am releaved to see that it won’t be as hard for me to go back as it was for some of my predessesors.
I have been having this conversation lately in my women’s Bible study group at church. I notice that in my social groups . . . church, PTA, scrapbooking, etc. women in general seem to be unhappy and complain no matter what they choose. . . I have a great variety of friends who work, don’t work, are educated, or work at Wal-Mart. . . they all are stressed out and complainers. . . too many choices? Maybe. I have worked, stayed at home, volunteered at school and church and see this everywhere. It seems to me that I don’t really care what other women do. I went to business school, was a legal secretary and enjoyed it, and am now a stay-at-home mom and enjoy that. Hubby says I can go to college, work, stay home . . he’ll be there no matter what I want. How cool is that. I don’t think I want to do anything right now. I the Bible School director, scout leader, PTA mom . . . kind of tired of all that right now, too. My only child will be in second grade this year and I still have no plans to work. I worked since I was 16, paid for business school, worked hard for awhile and now my husband makes a great living and we live right about within our means and practice “contentment.” I sometimes have to laugh when so many of my “well-educated, career driven friends” have an education, but aren’t smart. I mean they don’t seem to enjoy their lives, no matter what they choose . . . never content, always reaching for the next thing . . . in debt, stressed, keeping up with the Jones’, etc. I’m pretty sure I”m the only one of my friends who isn’t in debt so high that I”m refinanced beyond belief, isn’t so busy that all I do is talk about how busy I am, and honestly, all but one of my best friends is on an anti-depressant. . . many of them have been on a few different anti-depressants. Maybe the question isn’t working moms vs. stay-at-home moms . . .maybe it’s a mistake to think that just because someone goes to college they are smart. I have battled infertility to get my first child, haven’t been able to get a second and decided to quit that battle, stay home, enjoy what I have. I think this makes me smart. Maybe what makes us smart is just about being happy where you are at that moment. I”m giving up all volunteer work this year and still won’t return to work . . I just feel like reading, exercising, cooking from scratch, watching stupid reality shows like The Hills and Scott Baio is 45 and Single and helping my husband on his way to his MBA. He likes to come home to a clean house with cool music playing, candles lit, a nice meal and a wife and son who are happy and relaxed. And he’s worth the effort! Not because I’m a 50s housewife but because I love him and I think he’s hot! How weird. We’ll be taking our son to all the usual stuff . . baseball, scouts, piano, etc. but other than that I”m not really setting any goals this year and just “hanging out”. And I seem to be OK with that. How crazy???!!!!! I wonder if I”m normal or not. Although maybe since I”ll be 39 this fall I’m approaching that I don’t really care stage of life!!! I enjoyed reading your blog today. Have a nice day!
I am a mom trying to return to work. I have a Bachelor degree in Statistics & Economics and MBA. I have worked as a Management Consultant (Business Analyst) before I became a full time mom. I moved around the globe with my military husband and it made the absence longer. In between, I took part-time jobs as a teacher (I was told that was bad for my resume by a professional recruiter), and many training and graduate courses. After 2 years of active searching and interviewing, I am unemployed. I can’t do nothing about it. I was called for interviews because they didn’t realize I was not working for pay for so long. I accomplished many projects which I was really proud of, but were totally discounted by the recruiters. Guess what, I am living in Washington DC, Northern Virginia and Maryland Metro areas, and I have tried everything with plenty of help. I took a professional statistics course with 25 professionals and PhD candidates, I finished on top of the class with the hand-on project. SO tell me what is wrong other than discrimination!!!
To say that no returning mom is unemployed is certainly UNTRUE. I should do a nation research, and form an advocate group, perhaps.
[...] college-educated women, it’s not as difficult as popular culture would like you to believe. The Employment Digest features a piece written by Leslie Morgan Steiner, author of The Mommy Wars, who has these [...]
Comment for Amy and others like her. All may turn out fine or not. You must be prepared for the not. I stayed home with my kids for 20 years. I am still at home. But…you do not know what the future holds, your husband’s job could change, he could go through a midlife crisis, he could die. Your son will grow up and then what? Please listen to me and at least prepare yourself, it will make you a better person in the interim and keep your mind active perhaps staving off mental decline common with aging. Don’t forget you will change too, menopause? You are not there yet but aging is not an optional state. You don’t have to work full time but at least start preparing yourself. You will start feeling desperate around 47.